The 157th 'Wild Tempest' Company Forums

This is the forum of Wild Tempest, an Alliance-based World of Warcraft RP-PvP guild on Defias Brotherhood.
 
HomeHome  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 [Ekaits] Panic state

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
ekaits

avatar

Posts : 16
Join date : 2013-08-09
Age : 23

PostSubject: [Ekaits] Panic state   Sun Aug 18, 2013 12:32 pm

This is the story of how Ekaits became a worgen. It's a fairly spontaneous story, so I would love a lot of critique on it. Have a nice read! Smile

__________________________________________________________________

He wandered through the dark city, rain constantly splashing down onto the cobblestone, causing there to be almost no other sound but the sound of water hitting the ground. Surrounding him were men and women, huddled together around makeshift barricades and others keeping watch into the darkness of the rain.

Ekaits Stormwrath was checking on the wounded, to see if there were anyone in need of help. Many had escaped relatively unscathed. Him and his group had the better weapons and they also outnumbered most groups of the worgen they encountered, so it was easy to take them down.

Recently though, there had been more casualties, the worgen came in the night and struck, carrying away any unfortunate soul to be devoured.

Ekaits ran a hand through his military cut red hair, sighing softly. He reminded himself that his beard needed trimming, but there was no time for that here. Not with those monsters constantly attacking them.

Ekaits himself wasn't part of those who fought, he was a medic. In truth, he had never actually been at the front lines before, never seen the horrors there, but he heard plenty from the soldiers that came back and he saw what happened to those who didn't make it back alive.

He was a follower of the old ways, of the druidic ways, but in these days, you kept that quiet, didn't speak about it too loudly, some didn't quite trust those who practitioned the nature magic. But Ekaits had grown up with it, he kept his training close to him. He wasn't much of a spellcaster, but it came in handy when ordinary first-aid didn't quite cut it.

Ekaits came to the last group, a man and a woman. The man was clutching his side, a nasty cut, made by worgen claws. He knelt down next to the made. “Let me see how bad it is.” The man smiled nervously. “I-I-It's nothing doc... I'm fine.” Ekaits gave him a look. “Now.” The soldier sighed and removed his hand. The wound didn't look deep, but it was bleeding quite a bit, Ekaits gave a small sigh and took out some bandages and disinfectant from his robes. He applied the disinfectant to the wound, the man gasping in pain and tensing up. Afterwards he applied the bandages, tying them tightly around his stomach and sides.

Ekaits gave the man a pat on the shoulder. “What's your name soldier?” The man answered weakly. “Jonathan.” Ekaits nodded. “You'll be fine Jonathan. It'll get better.” Jonathan gave a weak nod, although he looked like he didn't quite believe what Ekaits said. Sweat was starting to form on his brow, and his body was also starting to shake. A bit of metal around Jonathans neck glinted, it was his dogtags.

Ekaits stood up sighing, heading to the medicinal shop that they had repurposed to a storage house and clinic. He needed some rest. He had been doing rounds all day and people were coming back with more wounds from worgens, and the way they were acting were making Ekaits nervous.

Ekaits went to one of the medical beds they had placed there and decided to lie himself on top of it. He closed his eyes and dozed off into an eventless sleep, no dreams, just rest.

_______________________________________________________________


Ekaits woke suddenly as a crash of thunder was heard just outside one of the windows. He shook his head and looked around, nothing had happened. He rolled out of the bed and went to one of the windows. He couldn't see outside, the rain was so heavy he couldn't see further than just a few meters.

Something seemed off, there was no sound, no talking of the soldiers, no rummaging of people walking around outside. But he shrugged it off, perhaps they had just left for a mission, he never went anyways.

Ekaits decided to check the supplies, having a tight knowledge of how many things you had left was important. Otherwise you wouldn't know what to stock up.

He was stood at the medical table writing in a notebook, next to him were various instruments such as scalpels, needles, claspers, clamps a hacksaw.

He was noting a few things as the door in the other end of the house slammed open. Ekaits turned around instantly, trying to see what was coming. “Who's there?!” He yelled out. Lumbering through the doorway came a humoungus worgen, drenched in the rain but with visible blood staining its jaws.

A small glint could be seen through the beasts thick mane, a couple of dog tags. But Ekaits didn't notice this. He was too busy screaming at the top of his lungs out of pure fear. The worgen leapt for him, jaws wide open as it snarled and smashed everything in its path towards Ekaits.

Ekaits tried jumping out of the way of the rampaging worgen but he was a moment too late as the viscious jaws of the worgen clamped down around his left arm, the bone crunching loudly. He felt the blood flowing from his head, he felt faint, but something kept him going, the adrenaline most likely.

He screamed from the unbelievable pain, time seemed to slow, his right hand searched around for something behind him, his screams ringing in his ears, the worgen having its bright yellow eyes fastened on Ekaits with killing intent.

His hand found something, the grip was small, but he didn't care, he followed his first instinct and tried stabbing the beast in the side of its head, that's when he noticed what he had grabbed, it was a scalpel. It sunk deep into the neck of the worgen, but it didn't let up. Ekaits frantically kept stabbed away at the creature. Stabbing it in the neck, in the shoulder, the throat, the snout until finally jabbing the sharp scalpel straight into the eye of the worgen, once it hit resistance, Ekaits forced it even deeper in and heard a loud 'crunch' noise and the worgen finally fell limp. With a last force of strength, Ekaits pried the large worgens jaws apart, groaning loudly in pain.

He stared at the worgen for a while, the giant beasts head completely ravaged by the repeated stabbings, blood pouring out everywhere. He felt sick watching it and quickly put his attention elsewhere.

Ekaits inspected the wound, it was severe, the bone had broken, several puncture wounds which were bleeding and there was an odd disturbing feeling that was spreading throughout his body. His arm felt tingly and it was spreading to the rest of him. He shook his head and forced himself to forget the feeling. He needed to bind and disinfect the wound, as well as put the bone back together.
He set out to find the things he needed, it was easy as he was in the supply house after all. But something nagged him. How come there was a worgen in the camp? How did it get past the guards? But he pushed that aside for now and focused on bandaging his wrecked left arm. The tingle was all over his body, it felt more like all of his body was shaking, and he felt warm, sweat starting to form on his forehead. He felt very sick.

He stumbled through the room, coughing lightly, his arm in a sling bound tight to his body. Ekaits came to the door that the worgen had pushed in, the rain was still heavy onto the stone of the street outside. As he stepped out, a sight nothing short of horrifying met him.

The outside was littered with corpses, dead or dying men and women everywhere. Hunched over figures were standing amongst some of them, others knelt over some of the bodies, doing something he couldn't quite make out before it dawned on him. Those were worgen... And the beasts were eating the corpses of his friends... Ekaits nearly threw up as one of the worgen pulled its head back, and something that looked a lot like intestines were pulled out with it. He decided to quickly run in the opposite direction of the worgens, trying not to catch their attention.

Ekaits managed to get away from the area, the pounding rain not letting up. There was an abandoned out which he broke into, trying to find a place to rest. He sat himself down, wary, tired yet still alert for any noise that would indicate another of those horrible beasts were near.

A powerfull coughing fit caused Ekaits to buckle over forwards, his whole body felt as if it was on fire, despite himself being soaked and cold, he was sweating like he was in a sauna. His head was starting to hurt, both physically and mentally. He felt like screaming, but he wasn't able to.

He heard a loud howl, but he wasn't sure if it was inside of his head, or if it was outside. He gripped his head and let out a loud roar in pain.

That's when everything went black.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Inran
Admin
avatar

Posts : 259
Join date : 2013-06-05
Age : 23
Location : Hyvinkää, Finland

PostSubject: Re: [Ekaits] Panic state   Sun Aug 18, 2013 4:23 pm

I am disappoint. I read the story and all the time expected the wound to start grow fur from. Regardless, another good story of the Worgen transformation.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Huruma

avatar

Posts : 36
Join date : 2013-07-03

PostSubject: Re: [Ekaits] Panic state   Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:17 pm

Right.

When commenting on text, I never edit it directly, but prefer using notes. Since we're on a forum, I instead opted to color the passages I have a comment om red and putting the comments in between brackets. That way you can decide for yourself what to use and what to discard.

In general, I noticed you have a habit of stringing together long sentences with only one or two subjects. This often makes the sentence confusing, particularly when there's lots of 'there's' and 'him's'.

I also noticed that you consistently spell 'Subjects thing' instead of 'Subject's thing'. It should be apostrophe-s in English.

As a rule you need to always note who is saying what in a dialogue scene. You can't always presume your readers can predict who is saying what from the context. You can sort of get away with it when there's just two people speaking, but this wouldn't fly if a third was added to the mix.

That's all for general comments. Below are the specifics.



He [He? Who's 'he'? What is the refferent here?] wandered through the dark city [which city? If left unspecified on purpose, use 'a'. 'the' implies a specific city.], rain constantly splashing down onto the cobblestone, causing there to be almost no other sound but the sound of water hitting the ground. Surrounding him were men and women, huddled together around makeshift barricades and others [Others? Other whats? Men and women? Specify.] keeping watch into the darkness of the rain. [Rain does not have darkness. Very vague passage – no clear metaphor or imagery.]

Ekaits Stormwrath [Same as 'he'? If so, replace earlier 'he' (first word first paragraph) with 'Ekaits Stormwrath'] was checking on the wounded [“The wounded” has nor referent here. You need to have already established the fact that there are wounded before referring to them in such manner.] , [superfluous? Consider removing.] to see if there were [was] anyone in need of help. Many had escaped relatively unscathed. Him [He] and his group had the better weapons [Needs a referent.] and they also outnumbered most groups of the worgen [either just 'worgen' or 'groups of worgen'. 'The' here is superfluous.] they encountered, so it was easy to take them down.

Recently though, there had been more casualties, the worgen came in the night and struck, carrying away any ['any' is superfluous here. Consider making plural: 'carrying away unfortunate souls to devour'[/color] unfortunate soul to be devoured.

Ekaits ran a hand through his military cut [Does he have a military coupe? If so, it should be 'military-cut'. Or was his hair cut by the military? If so, keep it as it is.] red hair, sighing softly. He reminded himself that his beard needed trimming, but there was no time for that here. Not with those monsters constantly attacking them.

Ekaits himself wasn't part of those who fought, [should be a semi-colon, not a comma] he was a medic. In truth, he had never actually been at the front lines before, never seen the horrors there, but he heard plenty from the soldiers that came back and he saw what happened to those who didn't make it back alive. [spoiler]tence is very messy. I suggest rewriting it – example:
Spoiler:
 

He was a follower of the old ways, of the druidic ways, but in these days, you kept that quiet, didn't speak about it too loudly, some didn't quite trust those who practitioned [practised] the [remove 'the'] nature magic. But Ekaits had grown up with it, he kept his training close to him.  [is training something you can keep close to you? Consider using a different image[/color]. He wasn't much of a spellcaster, but it [unclear what 'it' here refers to. Nature magic or training?] came in handy when ordinary first-aid didn't quite cut it.

Ekaits came to the last group [a pair is not much of a group. Consider a different collection-word, like 'pair', 'lot' or 'few'; or just call them 'the last two patients' directly.], a man and a woman. The man was clutching his side, a nasty cut [since this part of the sentence has no subject, it now refers to the clutching of the side – it means that the clutching of the side is a nasty cut, which is of course nonsense. Consider rephrasing.], made by worgen claws. He knelt down next to the made. “Let me see how bad it is.” [...said Ekaits.] The man smiled nervously. “I-I-It's nothing doc... I'm fine.” [...Said/answered the man] Ekaits gave him a look. “Now.” [said Ekaits] The soldier sighed and removed his hand. The wound didn't look deep, but it was bleeding quite a bit,[Consider ending the phrase here. It doesn't need to the adjacent phrase.] Ekaits gave a small sigh and took out some bandages and disinfectant from his robes. He applied the disinfectant to the wound, the man gasping in pain and tensing up. Afterwards he applied the bandages, tying them tightly around his [currently this refers to Ekaits. Consider changing to 'the man's stomach and sides][/color] stomach and sides.

Ekaits gave the man a pat on the shoulder. “What's your name soldier?” [said Ekaits]The man answered weakly. “Jonathan.” [Said the man.] [Also, considering using synonyms for 'man' here. Too much repetition is grating and you miss a good chance to characterize this person by throwing in some synonyms. How old is this guy? Is he younger than Ekaits? Call him a 'youngster.' Older? Throw in 'geezer'. Is he buff or slim? Throw in a 'hulk' or 'lank'.] Ekaits nodded. “You'll be fine Jonathan. It'll get better.” [said Ekaits] Jonathan gave a weak nod, although he looked like he didn't quite believe what Ekaits said. Sweat was starting to form on his brow, and his body was also starting to shake. A bit of metal around Jonathans [Jonathan's] neck glinted, it was his dogtags. [Consider using a column here, as in: “A bit of metal around Jonathan's neck glinted: it was his dogtags.]

Ekaits stood up sighing, heading to the medicinal shop that they had repurposed [re-purposed] to [act as a] a storage house and clinic. He needed some rest. He had been doing rounds all day and people were coming back with more wounds from worgens, [i]and the way they were acting were [was] making Ekaits nervous.

Ekaits went to one of the medical beds they had placed there [Where? Remember, you just started a new paragraph. You need to redefine.] and decided to lie himself on top of it. [the phrasing here implies a distancing from himself – unless that is the intend, I highly suggest simplifying it by saying 'he lay down on top of it'.] He closed his eyes and dozed off into an eventless sleep, no dreams, just rest.

_______________________________________________________________


Ekaits woke suddenly as a crash of thunder was heard [the way in which this is phrased implies that the sound of thunder was heard by a general group, while you probably mean to say that it was Ekaits in particular that heard it, since it woke him up!] just outside one of the windows. He shook his head and looked around, [Consider changing the comma into a dot and starting a new phrase.] nothing had happened. He rolled out of the bed and went to one of the windows. He couldn't see outside, the rain was so heavy [that] he couldn't see [any] further than just a few meters. 

Something seemed off, there was no sound, no talking of the soldiers, no rummaging of people walking around outside. But he shrugged it off, perhaps they had just left for [on] a mission, [/color]he never went anyways.[/color] [Either this last part needs to be part of the second-to-last, or it needs a subject of its own. So, either: “perhaps they had just left on a mission he never went with anyways.”; or: “perhaps they had just left on a mission; he never went on any missions himself.]

Ekaits decided to check the supplies, having a tight knowledge of how many things you had left was important. Otherwise you wouldn't know what to stock up. [shift to the second person is a very jarring style breech. I know it's a popular use of idiom, but I consider rewriting it anyway.]

He was [remove 'was] stood at the medical table writing in a notebook, [Dot. Start next phrase.] next to him were various instruments such as scalpels, needles, claspers, clamps a[and][/color] a hacksaw.

He was noting a few things as the door in the other end of the house slammed open. [???] Ekaits turned around instantly, trying to see what was coming. “Who's there?!” He yelled out. Lumbering through the doorway came a humoungus [humongous] worgen, drenched in the rain but with visible [Superfluous. We're being described what Ekaits sees – saying that it is visible doesn't really add anything.] blood staining its jaws.

A small glint could be seen through the beasts [beast[b]'s[/n]] thick mane, [colon.] a couple of dog tags. But Ekaits didn't notice this. [With this phrase you suddenly create a great chasm between what the narrator knows and what Ekaits knows. I consider this a breach in style. So far, the reader has only been shown things that Ekaits has seen, heard or thought. So why suddenly step outside of his mind? I highly recommend removing this.] He was too busy screaming at the top of his lungs out of pure fear. The worgen leapt for him, jaws wide open as it snarled and smashed everything in its path towards Ekaits.

Ekaits tried jumping out of the way of the rampaging worgen but he was a moment too late as the viscious [vicious] jaws of the worgen clamped down around [on] his left arm, the bone crunching loudly. He felt the blood [[i]all
the blood, or just some?] flowing [flow] from his head, he felt faint, but something kept him going, the adrenaline most likely. [Word order is skwed. Suggest changing to “most likely the adrenaline.”]

He screamed from the unbelievable pain, time seemed to slow, [down] his right hand searched around for something behind him, his screams ringing in his ears, the worgen having its bright yellow eyes fastened on Ekaits with killing intent.  [This does not need to be one long sentence! Don't be afraid to slow down the tempo and throw some dots in there. You are making your sentence structures much too difficult for yourself. Look at how much tidier you can make this phrase if, instead of making it one long tangent, you cut it in multiple phrases:
Spoiler:
 

His hand found something, the grip was small [grips can't be small. Do you mean that which he has gripped is small? Change it.], but he didn't care, he followed his first instinct and tried stabbing the beast in the side of its head, [DEFINATELY cut the sentence in two here.] that's when he noticed what he had grabbed, it was a scalpel. [what he had grabbed was a scalpel] It sunk deep into the neck of the worgen, but it didn't let up. Ekaits frantically kept stabbed away at the creature. Stabbing it in the neck, in [superfluous] the shoulder, the throat, the snout until finally jabbing the sharp scalpel straight into the eye of the worgen, [cut sentence here.] once it hit resistance, Ekaits forced it even deeper in and heard a loud 'crunch' noise and the worgen finally fell limp. With a last force of strength, Ekaits pried the large worgens [worgen's] jaws apart, groaning loudly in pain. [Who is groaning? Ekaits or the worgen? In need of a subject.]

He stared at the worgen for a while, [cut off sentence here.] the giant beasts [beast's] head [was/had been] completely ravaged by the repeated stabbings, blood pouring out everywhere. He felt sick watching it and quickly put his attention elsewhere.

Ekaits inspected the wound, it was severe, the bone had broken, several puncture wounds which were bleeding and there was an odd disturbing feeling that was spreading throughout his body. His arm felt tingly and it was spreading to the rest of him. [No need to repeat yourself.] He shook his head and forced himself to forget the feeling. He needed to bind and disinfect the wound, as well as put the bone back together. 
He set out to find the things [that] he needed, it was easy as he was in the supply house after all. [think carefully if this 'after all' is appropriate. It feels too hard-lighted a comment to leave in for the tone you wish to set and doesn't actually add much to the meaning of the phrase. I suggest removing it all-together.]  But something nagged him. How come there was a worgen in the camp? How did it get past the guards? But he pushed that [what? Pushed what aside?] aside for now and focused on bandaging his wrecked left arm. The tingle was all over his body, it felt more like all of his body was shaking, and he felt warm, sweat starting to form on his forehead. He felt very sick.

He stumbled through the room, coughing lightly, his arm in a sling bound tight to his body. Ekaits came to the door that the worgen had pushed in, [cut off phrase here.] the rain was still heavy onto the stone of the street outside. As he stepped out, a sight nothing short of horrifying met him.

The outside was littered with corpses, dead or dying men and women everywhere. Hunched over figures were standing amongst some of them, others knelt over some [superfluous. Suggest removing.] of the bodies, doing something he couldn't quite make out before it dawned on him. Those were worgen... And the beasts were eating the corpses of his friends... Ekaits nearly threw up as one of the worgen pulled its head back, and something that looked a lot like intestines were pulled out with it. He decided to quickly run in the opposite direction of the worgens [worgen], trying not to catch their attention. [Never use a negative when you can get away with using a positive. I would instead use “Trying to avoid their attention”]

Ekaits managed to get away from the area, the pounding rain not letting up. There was an abandoned out [What? An out? What is an 'out'?] which he broke into, trying to find a place to rest. He sat himself down [He sat down], wary, tired yet still alert for any noise that would indicate another of those horrible beasts were [was] near.

A powerfull [powerful] coughing fit caused Ekaits to buckle over forwards, his whole body felt as if it was on fire, despite himself being soaked and cold, he was sweating like he was in a sauna. His head was starting to hurt, both physically and mentally. [Are you sure about this? What is this mental pain? Clarify.] He felt like screaming, but he wasn't able to.

He heard a loud howl, but he wasn't sure if it was inside of his head, or if it was outside. He gripped his head and let out a loud roar in pain.

That's when everything went black.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: [Ekaits] Panic state   

Back to top Go down
 
[Ekaits] Panic state
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Juevol Myles signs with Elite 8 Kansas State University
» Michaux State Forest ~ Big Flat ATV Ride
» Ryan Bourgeois - Keene State College Owls
» Bryan O'Leary - Keene State College Owls
» Gopher State Buick Club show May 3rd

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
The 157th 'Wild Tempest' Company Forums :: Wild Tempest General :: Tales of Old-
Jump to: